It just feels so weird to not be there. Especially when it's a tea-meeting day (I'm not going to lie!). But we aren't there because Matt doesn't feel well. And honestly, we are both getting rather worried. His seizures are happening more and more, just about every week, sometimes more than once a week. It's scary. I don't know what triggered this sudden massive amount of seizures. He went for years with having them every 3, 4, 6 months.....and then suddenly within the past year or two they've really picked up. And then within the past 6 months especially. If one wanted to make a joke, one could say it was due to the fact that he was going to ask me to marry him, and then did marry me. But I hardly feel like joking around right now, and that wouldn't make much sense anyway.
This week he has been having weird little "episodes" in his head. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like mini-seizures without a lot of crazy stuff going on. At least, not outwardly. Inwardly, when he's tried to describe it to me, he starts thinking all these weird thoughts and really similar thoughts? That's how he described it. And he feels sort of weird-dizzy/fuzzy and puts his head in his hands for a moment. But he doesn't fall, he doesn't seize, he doesn't lose full consciousness. And they only last for like half a minute. He had 4 of them yesterday, but didn't actually have a "for real" seizure. When I say for real, I guess I just mean his usual grand mal seizures. Part of me is thinking, are these the seizures he's going to have now? Because these are better than his other ones! He doesn't fall, and he can do stuff afterwards. Sort of. He feels weird afterwards. But then part of me is thinking, "Lord, why this many? What's going on? Is he deteriorating? Is there a tumor in his brain? WHAT'S GOING ON?!?" I'm scared, and we've tried everything, and I wish I had answers.
We have an appointment on Thursday for him to see his epileptologist, mostly to ask questions about whether we should go ahead with brain surgery. Not that I even know much about it, or how it will be paid for. But I know it
will be taken care of, the Lord always provides for us. I'm just seeking Him about whether we should do this....maybe you can too? We've literally tried everything else, it feels like.
I hate watching Matt go through stuff that I
can't do anything about. I can't help him, I can't take it away. It kills me to know that. And I know I can pray, and that's doing something. But oh, how I wish I could physically move and make it go away with some method or other.
I'm definitely making these someday soon....
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